It was only after reading Mike Finders' guest column ("Old-time Iowa sense on rain forest," Dec. 8) last year that I finally began to under-stand what divides the proponents and opponents of this project. After rightly pointing out what everyone knows - that the rain forest is mostly intended as a tourist attraction - Finders went on to make the astute observation that it was tied to the wrong star, namely, the environment.

Finders pointed out that "the environment" had died as a matter of public concern sometime in the early 1990s. Ding-ding!! Reality check. Here's poor Ted Townsend, who does seem to have some personal interest in these matters, duking it out with environmentalists of every stripe over the creation of a tourist attraction.

You needn't look further than the Iowa Legislature's record on cleaning up Iowa's fetid water and hog-lot air to know that "the environment" as an issue is dead. If Iowans don't care about their environment, why in the heck would they care about rain forests?

Putting us on the road map

Given Coralville's current indebtedness situation, it's awfully hard to begrudge that city's fathers and mothers their tourist trap. But here's my message to Mr. T., Kelly H., Jim Fausett, and the gang: lose the trees, think cars! To bring 1.5 million (and more!) tourists to Coralville every year, let's create the Museum of Amer-ican Car Exuberance, also known as MACE.

Yes, yes, Detroit's already done this, but not with any real vision and certainly not on the right scale. So listen to this: MACE will be located not only "at" the junction of Interstates 80 and 380 but will become an integral "part" of this exchange - the joining of the arguably most important east/west and north/south roads in the country.

Built over and around these roads, for miles approaching from either side, this museum will be a true shrine to America's infatuation with the automobile. Accessible only in a private motor vehicle (no pedestrians, bikes or buses allowed), the first stop will be at the "carputer" where electronic devices will give each car a full 360 degree body scan. This scan will show every detail of the vehicle's manufacturing/sales/road history and assign a current market value.

MACE visitors will want to know their car's worth since a huge part of the museum will be the premiere car dealerships from every manufacturer in the world - ready to sell, at the best prices. People the world over will come to MACE to get the best deal on new cars, and immediately outside will be the world's largest used car lots (a boon to poor locals).

MACE also will include the world's first indoor NASCAR track! World-re-nowned pollution and acoustic engineers will be enlisted to accomplish this wonder - 365 days of weather-free NASCAR.

MACE Tech will become the world-class training institution for auto mechanics. A MACE degree will be as valuable as any Ivy League sheepskin in the job market.

And that's not all!

But that's not all.

MACE's indoor "Lover's Lane" will be a favorite feature - 24/7 of perfect moonlight (pick your month), with no mosquitoes (unless you really want them) and climate control up to you. It will include recreated Iowa forests, prairies and wetlands, and children conceived here will get lifetime passes.

MACE's drive-in "War Room" will allow visitors to watch the progress of our current "oil war" on the big screen (and to trade energy stocks), with window-delivered concessions for every budget and taste.

MACE's Lunar Driving Simulator will let you experience driving your car on the moon - or a planet of your choice.

And MACE's mausoleum will allow the dearly-departed to be buried, cremated or recycled with the auto of their choice in the manner of their choosing.

This is only a partial listing of MACE's wonders. To make it the ultimate tourist attraction, a simple change in Coralville's name will convey the essential message to the world: Car-O-ville. If you love your car, you'll love Car-O-ville.

And they say we don't have any vision!
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Jim Walters is a groundskeeper at the University of Iowa. He is a member of the Writers' Group, a corps of local residents who write regular opinions for the Press-Citizen.