Note: Humor breaks are scattered throughout the Nicholas
Johnson Home Page because of his belief in relief -- even from the scintillating
content of his own page. They are not his creation; they are from
the Internet flow. "Authors" are not deliberately omitted; almost
always they are simply unknown. Contributors are not identified to
protect the innocent and preserve their privacy; they will, of course,
be credited if they tell me they would like to be. Enjoy. Search
the Nicholas Johnson Home Page to see how many "Humor Breaks" you can find.
If you'd like to contribute one yourself, or otherwise comment, please
write me at 1035393@mcimail.com
Thanks. -- Nicholas Johnson
WHAT JUDGES SAY TO LAWYERS AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN "This is a fairly obscure area of law.": "I have no clue what you're talking about." "I think the court understands the gist of your argument.": "Shut up and sit down before you screw up the few good points
you're trying to make here." "I'll be taking this matter under advisement.": "I'm going to work some poor law clerk like a galley slave
to research everything there is to find about this, and then decide
it by a coin flip." "Counsel, isn't the real question here whether your insurance
client has a duty to extend coverage?" "Since you're working by the hour for some rapacious insurance
company, even if I hand you your head on a platter everybody still gets
paid." "Counsel, let me see if I can't rephrase your argument to
make it a little clearer.": "Since it's obvious that you couldn't find your butt with
both hands, let alone explain what you're trying to say, I'm going to take
pity on your poor client, help him out here and hope he has the good sense
to choose somebody else next time he needs legal help." "I've read all the briefs. Unless you have something
new to add, I think I've got a pretty good handle on the issues.": "I've got a tee time in 30 minutes, and if you force me to
stay here and listen to you drone on, I'm going to make you pay for it." "I think now might be a good time to take a short break.": "I'm trying desperately to keep from falling asleep, pitching
forward into the file folder and having to get staples removed from my
forehead." "Counsel, I think you've adequately covered that issue.": "You've beat that dead horse into oblivion." "I just want to make sure that your client understands the
rights he's waiving here.": "I want to make sure that if some bleeding heart on the appeals
court decides to let this scumbag out of prison, I don't get blamed
for it." "I believe this is a question better determined by the jury.": "Let's see if you can get 12 people to buy this load of crap." "Counsel, could you address the jurisdiction issue first?": "Please show me how I can unload this turkey on some other
judge." "Although there is authority on both sides of the issue, the
better-reasoned line of cases seems to say. . .": "I disagree with the leading 42 cases on this point, but my
clerk was able to find a 1946 Puerto Rico case that can be twisted into
what I think the law ought to be." "This reminds me of an amusing story from when I was in private
practice.": "I'm going to bore you to tears with an old joke from the
early '50's, and you're going to feign amusement because the fate of your
case hangs in the balance." "Counsel, one more outburst like that and I'm going to hold
you in contempt!": "Nothing would amuse me more than to leave you in a cold cell
all weekend with a large guy named Bubba who knows all the words to "Getting
To Know You." "I haven't made up my mind one way or the other on this issue.": "You're gonna lose big time." Return to Nicholas Johnson
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